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Tory in 'chateau bottled nuclear powered ****' rant searches for PA with sense of humour

News reaches Dot that the full-blooded Tory grandee Nicholas Soames is looking for a new PA.

The successful candidate should have all the usual qualifications, such “excellent organisational and administrative skills” and the ability to "work in a sensitive and confidential situation”.

Mr Soames also wants someone who is not easily offended. Or, as the job ad puts it, they should have “an excellent sense of humour”.

Why would this be? A clue perhaps lies in reports last year that Mr Soames told his Tory colleague Adam Afriyie: “You are a chateau bottled nuclear powered ****. You are totally f***ing disloyal, a f***ing disgrace to your party, your fellow MPs, your Prime Minister and your country.”

He then told The Mail on Sunday: "Yes, I was very robust in what I said to him, and yes, I did swear, but I have no regrets.”

What a joker! 

 

 

Poets cornered

 

Have Business Minister Matt Hancock’s attempts to join in the spirit of National Poetry Day just backfired?

Hancock's Twitter account retweeted the following poem:

 

The party run by young Ed

Is quietly going quite dead

Bereft of ideas

Quite full of queers

No wonder the fait[hful have fled]

 

It was subsequently deleted, but Politwoops has the details here.

UPDATE: 

Hancock has apologised for the tweet: 

 

 

Cam gets the Casetteboy treatment

Online parody superstars Casetteboy have rewarded David Cameron's conference speech with a spectacular mash-up of previous addresses that really has to be seen to be believed.

If you've ever wanted to see the PM pledge a "tax on sticking plasters" and talk up the Tories having the "bravery to bring back slavery", you're in for a treat.

Note: NSFW, as they say.

Who's next to join the Lords?

Political reform in Britain isn’t usually a particularly quick process.

It's comforting to know that the House of Lords, with speculation that it could be part of the solution to the current storm raging about the powers available to Scotland and English regions, is slogging on regardless.

As the BBC’s Mark D’Arcy noted, the latest candidates to join the Red Benches have produced some unique pitches as to why they should be chosen by their peers in the forthcoming hereditary by-election.

Here are some of the best from the document:

I and my family having served this country in peace and war for more than seven centuries and from field, dock, warehouse, office...Lord Harlech’s list of locations where his ancestors have served is cruelly cut short by the 75-word limit.

My politics started when I was seven years old, addressing envelopes in Paddington NorthLord Kennet takes career politician to a whole new level.

I have a lifelong interest in PoliticsLord Oriel knows his audience.

Judge at London 2012 Olympics – Show jumpingLord Rowallan seems to have copy and pasted his CV.

I am an entrepreneur of mixed successes in the food and beverage businessLord Somerleyton fails to inspire complete confidence in his business credentials.

In 1900 4th Lord Sudeley was made bankrupt and lost his seat in the House of Lords because his creditors were allowed to enlarge their claims without their being independently and adequately audited. Sudeley recovered his seat and used it to provide us with guide lecturers for museums. I would like to introduce a Bill to prevent any further creditors from enlarging their claims in the same way – Lord Sudeley seems to have spotted an opportunity to scratch a 114-year itch.

The outcome of the by-election will be announced on 22 October. Watch this space.  

Farage fesses up: I love Europe

Nigel Farage has finally cracked and professed his undying love for Europe.

No, not those banana-straightening Brussels bureaucrats, but the formidable Ryder Cup side hoping to trounce America over the weekend.

In this promotional video from bookies Paddy Power we’re treated to the Ukip leader in full golfer’s attire (a look Alan Partridge might dub ‘sports casual’), as he pays tribute to “the wine, the food, the excellent transport systems, the clogs, and the greatest golfers in the world.”

He also singles out the US side’s Hunter Mahan, Bubba Watson, and Webb Simpson for abuse - “they’re not names, they’re just noises!” - and takes a pop at Tiger Woods’ back injury. All very sporting, we're sure.

Editor's note: an earlier version of this blog, littered with puns such as 'Cameron will be Teed Off' and 'Will Clacton be a hole-in-one for Ukip?' was removed under an EU Directive on the preservation of comedy.