Unparliamentary Language: Bim Afolami

What is your earliest memory?

I think it was when I was about three. I was on a carousel. My parents said it was too fast for me but I insisted on going on it. So they stuck me on one of those horse things and of course, it all went too quickly and I cried. I remember thinking it was so scary. They ended up having to stop the carousel to get me off.

You went to Eton. What were you like at school?

Well, obviously everyone thinks they were above average. I was captain of lots of sports. I did lots of drama. I competed nationally in athletics. I loved football, I loved squash. I was in the prefect body at school which is elected and taken very seriously. In the prefect body photo, you have to wear funny waistcoats. I wore a sort of Union Jack waistcoat. I think Prince William had a version of it when he was in the photo. I was also head of the politics society. I guess I enjoyed being in charge of stuff. I was slightly hyperactive because I knew that I really wanted to get the most out of the opportunities that I had. I didn’t talk any less when I was at school either.

The teachers must have really loved you!

I did build a very good relationship with a provost of Eton called Eric Anderson. He had been the housemaster for Tony Blair and had been a very successful teacher in lots of ways. He and his wife were incredibly kind to me. I spent a huge amount of time with them, which is quite unusual because you don’t usually get a chance to see the provost that often in the school. He definitely was a mentor. 

What was a stand-out memory from your time at university?

One that I can actually say in public? A personal stand-out moment was probably the first big relationship that I had, you know, the one that all goes wrong. It’s a bit twee to talk about it, but actually, university is quite a good time to go through that sort of thing. It’s the biggest thing in the entire world to you and nothing has ever been so bad. Another stand-out moment, was when I was doing politics at Oxford University, and I was standing for president of the Union. I obviously thought I was going to win and then I lost. That was just devastating. I was 19 or 20, and you are so bound up in yourself at that age – even more so than I am now. My wife would find that hilarious to think about.

When did you know you wanted to go into politics?

My parents are not political people: my father is an NHS doctor, my mum is a pharmacist. They have never joined a political party and frankly, I’m not sure they have always voted. But, while my mother was born in England, my father is Nigerian. When you have left a country because you don’t think that the system allows you to make the most of your talents and your life, you are political. We always had debates about international affairs. I had these discussions from about six or five years old. At home, I was reading Time magazine and The Economist from a young age. I built up a knowledge and a feeling for politics which I don’t think I could have got if I didn’t have that.

If you could go back to any age in your life, which would you choose?

Probably 17-18. I was at my peak. I loved it. Adult life was still quite a long way away and I loved being top of the school. I had lots of friends and partied a lot, it was great. You’d have loved me then.

Who do you admire the most in your life?

I’m a big football fan. Cristiano Ronaldo and David Beckham are in the top 0.01% of talent in the world, but as far as natural ability actually goes, they are not necessarily the best. They only got to where they are now through sheer drive, energy, and hard work. I think that is really to be admired.

Who is your favourite person? Please don’t pick between your parents!

Well if I did choose my parents my mother would turn around and say I haven’t rung her for a week, so that’s clearly not true. I haven’t actually, I really should do that. Obviously, it would be my wife Hettie, but that’s kind of cheating. That’s not interesting. I speak to Hettie several times a day.

How do you find being a parent?

My sons are four and a half and two and a half. They have just got to an age where you can really get to know them because they can express themselves so much more effectively. It’s actually really, really nice. We got a decent holiday this year, two and a half weeks, and actually spending a lot of time with them is really interesting. You realise that, yes, they are your kids but they do have their own independent characters. I know that that isn’t a revelation, but it is strange. Part of you expects them to think the way you do, but they’re completely unique.

How are they different from you?

I think that Zachary, my elder, is not keen on the limelight. When I was a kid, I was terribly keen on the limelight. I liked everyone seeing me. I was always in front. Zachary is not like that. Now Sam is a bit more like that but then he lacks in a different way, he isn’t nearly as patient as Zachary. Zachary is very patient and thoughtful. Sam is very full of energy and dynamic. They are a bit of a mix.

What is your biggest regret?

Regrets don’t really benefit you. However, I was saying to someone at a dinner the other night that I would have liked to have worked at a management consultancy. I had a lot of friends that worked for McKinsey and Bain for example and I really admire the training and experience it gives you. I would’ve liked to have added that as a string to my bow.

You are having a dinner party, what are you cooking to impress?

If I’m trying to impress them with my own cooking, I have to do something that I can do comfortably. So I would almost certainly be doing a chicken stir-fry or a chicken curry. Largely because it’s what I can do: I know my limits. But if Hettie was helping me, we would almost certainly be using one of the voluminous cookbooks that we have in our house. I would then whinge because the meal wouldn’t be a curry or meat and two veg which is what I usually like eating. Then Hettie will whinge that I’m ungrateful and haven’t sufficiently appreciated the seven hours she has spent cooking in the kitchen for the three courses.

How long have you been with your wife?

Probably longer than I have done anything other than talk. We were married in 2013, and we were together for three years before that.

How did you meet?

We met through a friend of mine called Matt Langton. He’s a great guy and works in contemporary art. The reason that I mention the art is that he goes to a lot of cool parties because that’s what those guys seem to do all the time. He invited me and Hettie to a party, and that’s where we met – these were pre-Tinder days. Unfortunately, there is no ghastly Tinder stories or Happn or whatever the latest app is. Doing the job I do now, I think that’s definitely for the best.

What would you call your autobiography?

This is the sort of question that is so fraught with danger. I answer this with one hand over my eyes. I’m going to be brave. One of my favourite songs is My Way by Frank Sinatra. It just gives you this feeling in your tummy when he talks about how he just tried his best. It’s deeply unoriginal but I think My Way would probably be what I’d call it – if I ever do one. Well, I’ll almost certainly do one, whether anyone buys it or not is a totally separate issue. Although, I’ve just realised My Way sounds a bit like Tony Blair’s A Journey. Oh gosh. I’ve walked into the trap you’ve set me. I’m very foolish.

Who was your last text message from?

Apart from the whips telling me to go to the Chamber, it was my friend Nabil who was congratulating me on becoming a PPS. Then he asked me what a PPS was.

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